Cate West: The Vanishing Files (Part 2)

Let's talk about the bible.

Except not really. I kind of want to talk about the trend of pulling from mythology, Christian or otherwise, for other works of fiction. But there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you are a competent writer. And really, most people who completely rely on outside sources for their story... are not competent writers. That's why that they need to rely on existing sources. Now, I'm not going to say ALL people who do that are bad writers because that's simply not true. The amount of bad writers who base their stuff on mythology are probably equal to the percentage of bad writers who use completely original material. But that's not really the point. In fact, I started watching old episodes of Justice League midway through this paragraph, so I kind of forget what the point is.

But anyway, Cate West. Upon further thought, I realize this will probably be shorter than I'd like exactly as long as normal and not longer but... there really isn't much plot in the game to go on. Every little bit of the plot is like a stepping stone to more gameplay. Incredibly dumb stepping stones that make you feel like an idiot whenever you hop on them. And not just an idiot, but a bad person. That is the power of these stepping stones. But anyway, plot.

You're Cate West. You're a novelist in America... like, Rhode Island or something. General New England area. I'd like to point out that, since you are a novelist instead of an attorney, this actually makes you less qualified to investigate crime scenes than Phoenix Wright and that's just funny.


It really is.

I know the police sometimes employ psychics to solve murders, but to my knowledge not dozens of times in the same month or two and god dammit, they look for actual evidence, not just the psychic's word. Do you have any idea what kind of legal system that would be? It would be freaking madness. I'm honestly kind of fuzzy as to why they even brought her in. I think it had something to do with her father being killed years ago or something... and now that I think about it, I don't recall that plot thread ever being resolved. But yeah. Game starts off, you're Cate West and
YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAAAAAAAAAAAD!!

Or at least your dad is. I don't recall any mention of your mom. Your mom being Cate West's mom, but I think this review will go funnier if I just keep pretending that you are Cate West. Indulge me, I'm a funny man. Anyway, you're at your book signing and you meet this guy who kind of looks like Captain America without the costume. Blond hair, blue eyes, all American. Well, he would look like that if the art wasn't kind of meh.


Captain America apparently thinks he's Superman.

Anyway, there's this "fateful moment" kind of deal that has been done a million times before, will be done a million times again, and is nothing special. Your BFF Wesley (more like Star Trek Wesley than "As You Wish" Wesley), who is basically your equivalent of Larry Butz in degrees of lameness and uselessness, but not even close to as funny. He's basically a completely worthless human being, who is also the only thing that drives the plot of this game into full-blown-retarded. But I'll get to that later.

Anyway, there's a photo or some crap and you're like all "MY FATHER DIED HERE" or something and somehow convince Steve Rogers up there (that's Captain America's real name for the non-nerds.) to let you investigate while you dump Wesley and the book tour to find out about your dead parents. Like Phoenix Wright, every case is a murder case. Okay, apparently not. There's robberies and arson too. Which is nice, actually. Except there's no quirky/interesting characters. Or really, any characters. At all. I think there's some Asian girl that you're also BFFs with but I honestly can't recall and like hell am I playing through this again. If you can't tell, I'm using the term BFF as ironically as I can in text. Which isn't very. Also, this game is so obscure that there really isn't anywhere on the internet that I can find to refresh myself on the plot. No one cares about Cate West. With good damn reason. Damn good reason, even.

But apparently, in this world, people should care about Cate West. She can fucking solve a murder in the bay by finding a hackey-sack in the financial district. And somehow THIS IS EVIDENCE. Did the murderer have the hackey-sack? No. Did he ever see the hackey-sack? Again, no. Has the murderer ever been in the same room as the fucking hackey-sack. NO. FAR BE IT FROM ME TO QUESTION YOUR INFINITE PSYCHIC WISDOM, CATE WEST, BUT EVIDENCE SHOULD TIE THE CRIMINAL TO THE CRIME. *FUME FUME*

So you solve a bunch of murders and there's some strained and painful dialogue about how they have nothing to do with each other and the subjects are all talking about voices in their heads. The voices in their heads thing is important, so remember it for later. Apparently there's this mystery guy referred to only as W. He's dark and mysterious and murderous and the villain of the game, appearing perpetually in shadow even when he's in broad daylight. He'd be hilariously contrived if they put even the slightest bit of character into him. Just the slightest bit. But nope. He's just "mwahahaha evil"


Kind of like this, but you see that chocolate? That has more character than W.

So W is somehow responsible for all these murders despite not being the one who actually did them. We already have a psychic, so clearly we can't rule out "Magic," "Death Note" or "Alien Abduction". Hey, I do not throw away my cards until I am absolutely sure they are worthless.

But anyway, eventually you meet this old lady. Who, by virtue of being an old lady and getting more characterization than "Where are my pills?", is the coolest person in this game. She gives you clues or something and then her house burns down. Hooray! Cate is like "OH SHIT, IS SHE OKAY?" and the cops are like "WE CAN'T FIND HER." So they move on and never, ever mention her again.

Anyway, you solve all the murders and put the murderers in jail. Then W kidnaps Wesley and your Asian friend. Oh noes! You and Steve Rogers go to try and confront W and it turns out... W is Wesley! ... ... Yeah. Your best of friend of multiple years is actually a crazy killer guy. I know the W = Wesley thing is obvious when you put it right next to each other, but this seriously has no real build-up and comes completely out of left field, flying at your face and shattering your windshield. Yes, your face has a windshield. You're Cate fucking West, god dammit.

Anyway, he then shoots Steve Rogers. But Steve Rogers is fine, because he's Captain America god dammit.


Shut up, Stark.

And then Wesley explains the plot. Apparently you, Steve Rogers and him are all descendants of the three Magi, Melchior, Balthasar and Caspar. And they each have powers. You (Cate West) have Psychic Powers, Steve Rogers is invulnerable (good thing for a cop to have. You'd think he'd have realized this sooner), and Wesley can control people's minds. Yes, those voices in their head? Wesley. So he mind-controlled them into committing murders. He said he wanted to gather the children of the Magi together. And that's it. They arrest him.

That's fucking it.

They don't say WHY he wanted to gather them all together. What happens then? Does the world end, does Amenhotep rise from the dead, does Jesus come back and they all go out for beers? WHAT?! TELL ME, GAME. TELL ME! Also, they gathered. They were all in the same room. He didn't seem to have a ritual in mind. Although there must be, because they were all within 5 feet of each other in that book store and noting happened then. Unless Jesus bought a copy of Cate's book. Maybe for his Holy Coffee Table. But they don't fucking explain it. Also, you're no closer to solving the mystery of your murdered dad. HOORAY. DEAD PARENTS ARE COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO THE STORY!

Oh, and one more thing. Remember all those people who were mind slaves and controlled to do crimes? They never get mentioned again. Which means they're still fucking in jail. Cate West, you have wrongfully imprisoned like 20 people for various crimes. Their lives are ruined because of you. RUINED. OVER. WAY TO GO, YOU GLEAMING EMBLEM OF HEROISM. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

I hate you, Cate West. I hate you so much.

Halo Addendum

So, small addendum to my Halo rant. I need to add this because, honestly, I completely forgot I had this until just now.


I also found some other stuff

The Halo Graphic Novel has four short stories in it and a lot of extra art (the Brute image from the previous entry is from it). For the most part, they're all terrible and actually are REALLY good examples of how the Halo canon is so inconsistent among different media.

The first story, The Last Voyage of the Infinite Succor, is actually a well-written story. My only complaint really here, which is likely the smallest of complaints, lies in the art. This story focuses on Rtas 'Vadumee, an Elite Ultra who players of Halo 2 will remember as "That alien with half his mouth missing". Among other things, it shows how he got this wound at the hands of The Flood. Rtas 'Vadumee, by the way, is a cool alien name. Unlike the Brutes, which all have Latin names. Which makes NO SENSE! Screw you, Tartarus. You were the worst final boss ever.

The Flood, parasitic creatures who take over host bodies and turn them into twisted, zombified abominations of their original form, are actually one of my favorite parts of the Halo Universe. The only issue with this story involving the Flood is... they don't LOOK like the Flood. The Flood have a certain putrid, decayed look to them with a sickening brown and yellow color scheme. That certain tint to the air in an area heavy with flood in any Halo game sends shivers down many a player's spine. These aliens, who are clearly supposed to be the flood, have a sick green and purple color scheme to them. They don't give off the same vibe as the flood. They don't FEEL like the flood. The feel like some other weird parasitic infectious race. This is not a minor quibble. Consistency is important in a large universe because each group has their own feel, their own aesthetic. It's like if Superman suddenly started running around in Orange and Black instead of Red, Blue and Yellow. It changes the feel and messes with the aesthetic.

The second story, Armor Testing, I have the most problems with. It's another Spartan II(besides John-117, The Master Chief) testing a new variant of the MJOLNIR armor they wear. It's well done, up until the end. The Spartan removes her helmet and HOLY SHIT IT'S A WOMAN! Which is fine. There were female Spartans. My favorite Spartan, Linda-058, is a female. As the name Linda would suggest. But my problem here is that she says the following. "I don't regret retiring to start a family."

Wrong. Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong WRONG.

Every last Spartan was hand picked at age 5 for the program. They were trained rigorously, day in, day out. They underwent so many physical augmentations, including a massive list of musclemass enhancements, things with names as long as your arm, metal-bone coating. At age 13 they were physically the size of 18 year olds that had already been in the Marines. These are BIG people that have had their body chemistry fucked around with so much the notion that one of the females still having a period is laughable. That and their sex drive has been massively suppressed to the point of nonexistent due to pituitary gland implants. They have no sex drive. And even if they did, they are fighting a war for the survival of the whole of Humanity as a species. When you are raised from age 5 in a military background, the mere thought of leaving the military is insane. They have no basis for the outside world. Nothing but the UNSC. They have never lived a civilian life. They have no concept of it.

Coupled with their lack of a sex drive, this makes it insane to think any of the Spartans would EVER retire to start a family. And even then, it's crazy to think the female soldiers in a Supersoldier program would be able to have kids. No one wants a soldier with the strength of ten super-strong marines in a suit of powered armor to be PMS-ing on the battlefield. And all the steroids, growth hormones and physical modifications were administered at age 12 or so. The female spartans have likely NEVER had a period ever. Also, consider the following. The musclemass enhancements make them incredibly strong. A single, weak punch from one of them could SHATTER your bones to powder. They have insane strength. Imagine having SEX with one of them. Have you ever read Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex? It'd be a lot like that. Potentially much more horrifying, because the woman in this case would be the super strong one.

Even if she, say, adopted (and married some random guy with whom she could never have sex and probably never even desire sex), hugging her kids would kill them. And that still leaves the big hole of "leaving the military in the middle of the greatest struggle humanity has ever known" coupled with a military childhood. It simply doesn't make any fucking SENSE. It's stupid. They should have used one of the other living Spartans for this comic, like Linda for one. Whoever this Maria-062 chick is clearly fails at logic of this universe. Or hell, they could've used Anton-044. He was still around after the Battle of Reach, right?. He was awesome.

Although I think if they implied that Linda had kids, I might have shot someone.

The third story, Breaking Quarantine, is by Japanese artist Tsutomu Nihei (he gets named because he is clearly the best one of this book) and shows Sgt. Avery Johnson escaping the Flood during the events of the level 343 Guilty Spark in the original Halo. It has no words, besides sound effects in Japanese. I assume he didn't speak English. This one is awesome and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I wish he did the entire book.

The fourth story, Second Sunrise over New Mombasa, I don't feel I should comment on. It's a civilian aspect of the Halo universe, during the Covenant invasion of Earth, near the beginning of the events of Halo 2. As such, it is radically different from the rest of Halo. The art is... interesting. Bright, colorful, cartoony. I don't feel it's bad, just not my cup of tea. It fills me with much less rage than Armor Testing.

I am also aware of Halo: Uprising, a comic series printed by Marvel and written by Brian Michael Bendis. I saw this in a store on Thursday. I looked at it. It looked at me. I put it down and said "No." We won't be hearing about that again.

Something that occurs to me. Excluding the art pages in the back, there are no Brutes in this book. That makes me smile.